This was definitely a Monday. My students were mad at me all day because, "you didn't pick me first!" "I wanted to answer the month!" "You never let me go first, (second...whatever...pick a number.")  All. Day. Long.  I'm beginning to wonder if some of these kids ever here the words, "No, you may not," or "Wait your turn," at their homes.  I even watched one of my students walk out the door and get into the car with her mom. When she didn't see something she thought should have been in the car, she fell out of her car seat to the floor and started crying and throwing a fit.  Now, if my kids had done that at age 4, POP on the behind, back in your carseat, and we move on.  No...this mom reasoned with the child, told her whatever it was she was screaming about was there and let mommy find it.  Oh dear.  I don't know how to be diplomatic about this, but people...who is the parent?  BE the parent! I'm done...climbing down off my soap box now, just in time to go stir the spaghetti...oh wait. We don't have spaghetti.  I had to break up a whole box of lasagna noodles (the only pasta in the house) to make with the sauce and sausage I had already cooked.  Yes, it's definitely a Monday! 

The 'real' me has been struggling for the past few years about what church means.  What it's supposed to look like (according to GOD'S design)? And where do I fit in all this business of the local church?  It's what's been eating at me.  It's what gets me the most stressed. I've struggled so much with things mentally this weekend that I gave myself a stupid cold sore!  I do know that God has a plan, and it's a good one.  I just need to know what it is.  What is my next step?  Only HE can tell me that...no one else. 

All that to say that it was very hard for me to go to church this morning. But I did, and the message was good.  I thought I'd share the jist of it with you.  You know...those deep, eternally worthy thoughts I sometimes think ;)

The message this morning was titled, "Get Back in There" (because there always has to be a title) and the key scripture was Philippians 3:13, "...forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead..."  The main point was "I need to find my place in life again."  Well, no denying this message was for me, eh? Pastor talked about being displaced in life, whether by your own choices or others, and how that can leave you feeling lost.  Yep, I'm there.  He spoke about 'forgetting' things and gave the definition as 'losing things from your mind' (as opposed to losing your mind.)  Kind of like how I forget where I put something...I lose it right out of my mind! That's how we're supposed to be about the past.  At this point in the message, I kind of went down my own bunny trail and honestly wasn't listening to Pastor. Which is ok, because I was listening to God.

You know I'm big on Mercy Me and their live streamed concerts online (tonight's the last one.)   The band Tenth Avenue North has been with them this tour, and something Mike Donehey talks about and wrote about in their new song went right with Pastor's message.  "You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the problems you create...you've been remade." Music speaks to me, and God was pointing that out to me again through those lyrics.

Then I got right back to tracking with Pastor Larry.  The other thing he said that stuck out to me was that life is full of change.  Get used to it.  Change is normal.  When we don't see change as a normal part of life, we constantly battle life instead of build it (gotta get those catch phrases in there.)  Work the changes, don't fight against them.  Your life will not look the same as it did...it's not supposed to.  Think of kids growing up.  If you have a ten year old, they don't act like a two year old (you hope!)  If they do, you know something's wrong.  They changed, they grew.  We change, we grow.  It's ok. We're supposed to.

Another scripture he brought up was Isaiah 40:4, "Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill brought low; the crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth."  I know I'm ready for this rough ride to smooth out!  In the Bible it talks about mountains being things that are in our way.  It also talks about them "melting like wax" in God's presence. Sometimes we also have to climb over them, or go around them.  Sometimes HE even blasts a tunnel through them! 

In my mind I saw someone trying to reach a goal. There were mountains and valleys between them and that goal.  As they started to walk, just like in a video game or something, the valley's ground rose up and straightened to the top of the mountain and they just continued walking straight forward.  I'm sure it would 'feel' very unbalanced to be on that rising ground, but oh, the time and energy saved by riding that out and walking right over all those mountains!  I've been in a valley for a long time where some things are concerned, and I am certainly feeling the ground begin to shake.  Today I realized, it's not because the mountain is going to fall on me and crush me, it's because God is raising this valley for me. 

And those my friends, are my deep thoughts for the day.

• Show and Tell is always a good time. We have it every Friday, and sadly, a lot of kids forget to bring something to 'show' us and 'tell' us about.  This past week one of my little guys came in with his coat. I asked him to hang it up. He said, "No...this IS my show and tell." Ok...points for creativity. He got up there and demonstrated how he can put on his own coat and zip it up himself (Bonus points for that!)  Then he says, "My coat is fat and squishy. That's good, 'cause if someone punches me, it don't hurt." 
  
• I have one student whose brain moves faster than her mouth can get the words out. I'm convinced this is the case because when Rebekah was younger she was the same way...and I'll admit, I'm this way a lot too.  The things I think often come out backwards or in ways other than what makes sense to most people. This little girl is hilarious to me, because I totally understand her the first time, every time!  Here are some of her best statements: "She found a baby hiding in a bucket." (Moses in the bulrushes)  "When you're in trouble you get intention." (detention)  "My shoe fell unloose."  (it came unbuckled) "It's piecing apart." (falling apart, broken)
• We've been learning about the Pilgrims and how they came to America. Every day this week I've reviewed the beginning of the story, asking them to remember three words: Pilgrim, England, and Mayflower.  They did pretty good today, except for remembering where they came from. Here were some of the answers I got: "Mexico", "Japan", and my personal favorite, "Earth." Technically that last one was correct, but I was laughing too hard to say so. 
• This next one requires a picture of what the kids saw on the board as they came in for lessons today. One of the little girls who has a voice similar to Minnie Mouse came in and said, "Are dare numbers under dat chicken's little wings?"  I didn't think my drawing was that bad.
• I've been trying to eat more bananas for the potassium, and I had one with me at snack time today.  As I was eating it, one of the little girls said to me, "Bananas are good for you because they have vitamin seed, like milk." I think she meant Vitamin C. I guess I better add a unit on different foods to my lesson plans too. 
• One of my little guys was rubbing his mouth, and I asked him what was wrong.  He told me, "My wips are dry. I need some wotion." Today he was struggling to write his name.  I asked him what was wrong and he said,, "I have a headache from Lesser-Day."  I asked what that meant. He said, "You know!  Like the other day...Lesser-Day!" (yesterday) No, I actually didn't know, but now I do.
• The best is one that I wish I had on video or recorded audio.  I've been teaching them "Mele Kalikimaka" for our Christmas program.  Oh my goodness. The variations they give to that phrase are hilarious!

That's all I've got for today.  Tonight I'm going to start working on the costumes for the Christmas program. I have to make 13 sheep, 3 donkeys, 3 cows, 2 doves, 6 shepherds, 30 berets, 30 leis, 5 grass skirts...and a partridge in a pear tree.

We play the game like this:

They put 3 pepperonis, 2 mushrooms, and 5 green peppers on their pizzas. We count the toppings as a class, then shout "order up!"  We clear the pizzas and play again.  This game is a big hit with my class!

Nike does know what they're talking about as far as their slogan, "Just Do It" goes.  As far as their shoes are concerned...not so much.  I do like their Nike+ ipod. That thing is awesome! Just not their shoes. Anyway...back to the point.

This morning, this week really, has been extremely difficult for me.  I was in a pit all week.  It was hard to be motivated to do anything at all.  Not even the things I typically enjoy doing.  Sounds like depression...yeah, well it was.  It is.  I'm still fighting today.  Although today was a little different.  Kelly chatted with me on fb and let me cry on her shoulder (I was afraid I might short out my keyboard with my snot and tears) and encouraged me.  She is a dear!  Most days I haven't even had it in me to "Just Do It".  It just wasn't there.  Today I had just enough to "just" do something.  I managed to hold it together to help Alisha and Rebekah sort through and clean out their clothes and their closet.  I should have a taken a before pic so you could fully appreciate the cost involved in that statement.  It was not pretty.  One bag of garbage and two bags to Goodwill later, things are much better in their room.  Once I started, I got into it, and even vacuumed the floor.  Hard wood = never ending dust bunnies.  I was so glad it was done.  I even felt ok while I was doing it.  No one cried (including myself.)  Bonus! 

I'm so tired of being the person who always sees the negative. I'm tired of fighting to see the glass half full. I'm just tired of fighting.  Some days I just want to give up.  To quit.  To be done.  But, the Holy Spirit in me keeps fighting for me. He points out the positive.  He keeps me going.  Won't let me quit.  And HE will decide when I'm done, not I.  It's a quandary to be sure.  I wonder why God made me with such a negative bent to my nature.  I wonder why I have to spend a lifetime fighting depression.  I wonder why...why...why. Then comes the insecurity.  Did they not answer my text because they're just sick of me? Am I letting my negativity show through today?  Will they still want to be my friend if they know the "real" me? 

So...when you see my tweets or FB updates, and it seems like something is wrong.  It is.  I'm trying.  Not to keep who the real me is covered up and hidden.  Because I can't do that.  I tried once, and it almost killed me.  No, I'm trying to work out my own salvation.  "Just Doing It" is going to look different in your life than it is in mine.  We are different.  And that's ok.  I just hope you guys can stick with me while this area of my life is worked out.  And know this...if nothing else, I usually cycle back out of this pit in a week or so.  Things are definitely better if you just do something.  Anything.  So, I'm going to start dinner because that is something. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, right before the concert started (I had to go look at my last post- you actually think I remember anything I wrote yesterday??)  Jonny Diaz was the opening act.  He has a song called, "Opening Act."  It's pretty funny.  He has one other song that I'm familiar with called, "More Beautiful You."  It talks about how "there could never be a more beautiful you" and has a great message.  My problem is I have a really tough time believing it myself.  But that's just my insecurities talking.

Tenth Avenue North played next. I love those guys! Mike Donehey, the lead singer, has such an amazing heart for God.  He also has a great ability for being real about it, and saying things in a simple, humble way.  Their songs range from some rock (with Mike jumping around the stage) to an awesome time of worship.  Can't say enough good things about Tenth Avenue North. 

Since I've had front row seats at a number of different concerts, I'm now ruined for anything but.  Mercy Me is just a great band. What else to say?  Their songs speak to me.  The guys are funny, and real, and just fun to be around.  During this tour, they have a question and answer time in the middle of the concert.  Mike D. from Tenth Ave North went out into the audience with a mic and took questions from people, and the Mercy Me guys answered them.  Since this is a time when everyone is sitting down, I took out my laptop and joined in the chat that was going on with the livestream of the concert. I'm pretty sure the other people around me thought that was pretty weird, but Mike Scheuchzer thought it was funny.   One person asked what their favorite song (of their own) was, and Bart made up an answer for Jim (who plays the keyboard and didn't have a mic.) I, being in the front row, heard Jim's real answer, which was, "Whatever Barry sings."  They are always joking around, those guys. My laptop battery is not the best, so I didn't get to say too much in the chat.  I heard I was on camera once, but thankfully I didn't have to see that. 

After the concert I spent some time talking to the master of live broadcasts, Brody Harper.  Such a nice guy! I love reading his wife, Kristin's blog too. Someday I hope to meet her.  Jonny Diaz was hanging out at his merch table, so I introduced myself.  I'm pretty sure he was barely hanging on at that point. He'd been up very early that morning and flown from Merrillville (oddly enough) to Fort Wayne, IN, and then back to Valpo for the concert.  Brody had gone with him and they were both pretty wrecked by the end of the concert.  Jonny was sick too. Poor guy. He'd lost his voice and had to do two concerts that day. 

I also finally got to meet the guys from Tenth Avenue North!  Jeff was really nice, and I was so glad to meet Mike D.  I've spent quite a bit of time chatting with his parents during the livestream concerts, and on fb.  Such great people! I didn't get a picture with them, because they were in a signing line, and there was a table in the way.  I should have asked anyway, but I felt awkward doing so.  Because contrary to popular belief, I am not a groupie or a stalker!  Just someone who really, really loves the music (and the people behind the music) that help make life more pleasant.

Bekah and I made it home before midnight (barely) which made Monday hard.  I had every intention of starting back at the gym on Monday after work, but instead ended up taking a friend to the ER and sitting with her there, the whole day.  But that's another story for another time. 

Sunday I had the chance to see my favorite band, Mercy Me, play a concert near my town.  It's pretty rare that a Christian band plays near here (near being under an hour's drive.)  Rarer still that it would be my favorite band! To say I was excited is an understatement. I had ordered gold circle tickets for Bekah and myself at a whopping $35 each the day they went on sale. Because I don't take chances! 

But...to keep you hanging, I have to tell you about the adventure we had getting to the concert first! (Haha...I know Sarah and Shellie are just wanting me to get on with the story, but Evan will enjoy this:)  On our way I was to drop Marissa off at a friend's house to help with a birthday party.  As I was leaving their house, their little chi uah uah followed my car.  They have a super long driveway and the kids were driving up and down in the golf cart. That little dog followed me all the way out to the busy road!  I stopped the car and yelled at Lilly to go back. She of course ignored me and ran across the busy road, causing me to have a minor heart attack!  I parked and got out of the car and when traffic had cleared, I ran across after her.  By this time the kids were behind me yelling, so I told them to stay behind my car well clear of the traffic.  The dog was no where to be seen.  I ran through a couple yards shouting for Lilly to come. Nothing.  Finally after about 5 minutes of walking on the side of a busy road, I spotted Lilly running around in someone's fenced back yard. I rang the doorbell, and just my luck, no one was home!  I followed the fence around praying the neighborhood watch peeps didn't call the cops on me.  After a few more minutes of calling to her, Lilly saw me and I faked her out by pretending I had a treat in my hand. I grabbed that stupid, little dog and marched her back to her owner.  Good thing I left super early for the concert!

We got to Valpo way early, just in case the Mercy Me guys did a tweet and greet.  For those of you unaware of what that is, it's where the guys go to a coffee shop sometime before the show and send out a twitter message letting people know where they are so they can come hang out and chat for awhile.  I even gave them a suggestion for a great coffee shop ahead of time!  I wanted to be close, so I stopped in to visit some friends who live a mere 5 minutes from the coffee shop and the venue.  We had a great time, but there ended up not being a tweet and greet. I was bummed about that. 

Rebekah and I got to the venue at around 5:00, which is still pretty early considering the doors didn't open till 6:30 and the show wasn't to start until 7pm.  And there were still 20 people in line ahead of me!  As soon as the ticket counter opened, I went to pick up our meet and greet passes. Those were thanks to a good (no, great) friend!  The ticket people sent us back to the line which seemed wrong to me, but as a rule follower, I obeyed.  At around 6:10 I started thinking I should be more pro-active about this! I grabbed an official looking guy with all kinds of tags and walkie talkies.  Sure enough, we were supposed to be waiting inside with the other meet and greet people.  I know the people in line around me were shooting daggers with their eyes as we were escorted in the building. 

While we were waiting for the meet and greet to start, one of the 'official' people asked if anyone had gold circle tickets. We did! Out of all the meet and greet people, Bekah and I were the only ones.  She led us into the main sanctuary where the concert would be and told us to go ahead and choose our seats. We were the first ones in the whole place. Only security was in there! Of course we picked front row!!  Even if we hadn't had the meet and greet passes (from my inside source who shall remain nameless) we would have been the first 20 people in the buidling and gotten those seats anyway. God was really good to us!!  The 'official' lady even had the security person make sure she stood by our coats so no one would move them.  Can you say favor? 

The meet and greet was pretty typical of meet and greets. They have you make a line, and then you file past the band getting autographs and pictures.  But see, I've done all that before.  Since everyone else hadn't had a chance to reserve a seat I opted to go to the end of the line. I was trying to be sneaky too.  I thought they might chat a bit if I was last.  Yeah, well...Bart thought he was funny and when Bekah and I walked up he turned as if he didn't see me and said, "Ok, I guess that's it."  He started walking out and all the guys started to follow him! Funny guy. He was joking (I think.)  They did say hi and we got the customary pics, but it wasn't like the first time I got to meet them and they were all chatty and stuff.  Again, a bit of a let-down, but who am I to complain?!? Out of hundreds of people who didn't get to say hi to them, I did. 

Here's the pic of the MM guys with Bekah. If you want to see the rest, you'll have to go here.  If you want to hear about the actual concert, you'll have to come back tomorrow when I hopefully have more brain cells firing.

• Today was my last visit with the physical therapist for my injured hip. It is feeling better, but it's such a fun place. I'm going to kind of miss it.  I was given some of those giant stretchy bands and a whole bunch of exercises to keep working on. No more putting it off. Time to get back to the gym!
• I had a new student start today. She's very cute and quiet (and has a really cute name I wish I could share, but can't.) The count is up to 10 girls and 2 boys, and rumor has it another parent was looking at signing their child up for our Pre-K program sometime this week. Oh yeah, it's another girl.  I feel so bad for my two boys.
• I'm trying to do better at cooking meals. I actually cooked 3 times last week, and I'm cooking tonight.  When I grocery shopped, it was with a plan! I have a list of meals to make this week, and I'm going to do my best to stick to it.  I really hate to cook though.
• The Christmas program is coming along. Now that the script is written, and the songs downloaded, it's time to start working on the media part (video clips) and costumes. We have 28 berets to sew, 17 sheep costumes, 3 donkeys, 3 cows, and 3 doves.  Besides that, there are props to make.  Add in all the practice time we have to fit in with teaching 27 preschoolers and Kindergartners 7 songs, and you have me counting down the days until Christmas break.  Two glorious weeks off!!
• Poor Marissa. I was supposed to take her and her friends for a day of shopping in Schaumburg, IL for her birthday...which was at the end of September. Between lack of funds, sickness, and conflicting schedules, it still hasn't happened.  
• Today my afternoon coffee is now my evening coffee.  It's just been that kind of day.
• Everyone in this family has an early bedtime tonight! It's for my sanity's sake.
• Stupid baseball! I was looking forward to Dr. House. Boo!
• I took all the leftover Halloween candy to school and actually let my students have some at snack time today.  Only because it was "Cc" day and c says "k" as in candy. It's a rare treat for me to give them any sugary substance, so for them it was a great day.
• The weather here was beautiful today! Sunny and a perfect fall day. Too bad it get's dark early, I missed out on going for a walk.  The whole cooking dinner thing wrecked that plan.
• Ooh! Exciting news. This Sunday is the Mercy Me concert!  I'm very much looking forward to seeing them and Tenth Avenue North.  I've never gotten to meet the Tenth Ave. guys and I really hope that can happen.
• We have card club this Saturday too.  That's always a good time!

Well, dinner is almost done and Monday is almost over. Can I get an amen for that?!?

Unfortunately, and nice and kind and good thoughts I had about that have been pushed out of my head. By what you ask? Stress and Christmas carols.  The stress coming from the fact that we are 30 school days away from the Christmas program. That I'm still working on. This is a hard one. I wrote the dialogue and chose the songs and I'm just afraid it's going to be a big flop.  That and we're kind of getting a late start. It'll be ready to start teaching them by Monday.  At least that's what I'm promising myself. 

In year's past, we've had a larger group with older kids, and done a full-blown musical. This year with just the Pre-K and Kindergarten, things are different.  Our theme is "Christmas Around the World".  I am excited about the songs I've found. Did you know you can get "Jingle Bells" in ANY style you could ever want on itunes?!?  I've spent hours today listening to song clips to determine which is best for the 12 songs we need.  The daycare classes sing 2 songs each, and then the Pre-K and Kindergarten will do a mini-play with 6 songs throughout. 

The other issue is that this is the first time I've done anything like this. I'm trying to rest in the knowledge that I've put my all into this and done my best, and no matter what anyone says about it, it's a good thing.  That's hard.  I could never, ever be someone who constantly gets critiqued on what they do. My skin is not that thick!  Well, back to itunes.  I need one more Christmas song that fits in with our theme. It's not as easy as you might think.

Since I'm a glutton for punishment, and my throat is raw from coughing, I came right home and took some more cough syrup.  I was in my flannel jammies, and in bed by 12:30.  Didn't even eat lunch.  I'm feeling 'not right' again.  Kind of shaky and weak.  So, in my bed I shall stay with my laptop to keep me company.  At least until the medicine kicks in and I fall asleep. Oh how I pray for the oblivion of sweet sleep to come soon.  I'm not looking forward to the fuzzy feeling later though, or to the conferences tomorrow.